Guess who hit 7 months on Christmas day? Oh ya it was the twins. Can you believe how fast time flies? They are rolling from back to front occasionally and gaining more body strength all the time.They are really good babies generally. They sleep 6+ hours every night except for a few 3 am feedings here and there but they don't even burp hardly eat and they zonk right back out. The boys are both smiling and cooing now. Oh This double fun can be great. This whole Adjusted age thing kills me! So they aren't too bad for 3.5 month old adjusted.

 

I think this is is how Breck says "STOP WITH THE DANG PICTURES"

Brecken

Asher

Asher

 Oh I love these little monkeys, don't ya love the hats. Our NICU friend Camille made and surprised me with these for the boys( she also made them blankets while we were in the NICU.

Double fun.

So we hadn't really had the twins together so one night (late as I never left) in the nicu we dressed them up and had a mini photo session.

Big boys

We are finally talking going home! Seriously.   I am in shock I just figured once we hit 40 weeks they would bring it up.... well we are 36 and looking so good they tink once the hernia doctor fixed hernias we can go! (Oh I hope my bathrooms are done being remodeled by then)

Just eating

Oh my word these boys I must know that our home is tore apart and under construction.  They are doing so well. Basically  they are on very low oxygen settings both at 1/4 liter and 25 percent ish. And only getting vitamins and iron. The rest is just learning how to eat on their own.  The are up to 3 a day feeds.! And both doing outstanding!!! Like at least the full feed or more.  They do still have to have hernia surgeries and hopefully they can come home after that.  Down side to them doing so well breastfeeding is well it's breastfeeding so I have to be at the hospital.  Boo. I miss my girls just thinking about not going home for a while. 
More details on the house.  It's tore apart. We have basically studs for a batheroom and all the bedrooms need to be resheetrocked and painted..... yahoo for no more 1970's. But wow I'm stressed about how I'll get things put back together from up here. Lol
36 week stats-
Asher
16 &1/8th inches  or 41 centimeters long
4 pounds 10.5 oz or 2110 grams

Brecken
15.5 inchesvor 39.5 centimeters long
3 pounds 13 oz or 1735 grams

Tub night

Oh my word. We decided why not try bathing the boys together. ... it was so funny and chaotic.  The kept grabbing each other and I knew one would end up drowned.  But we all survived and I got a bunch of pictures.

Brecken is going to have a turn..

Well the bits have been song so well the past few weeks. I almost forgot how easy things can change.  Well, on Thursday Brecken started to get nasty bugers  and things every morning. So much he would gag and vomit. Well today he had been Extremely swingy(even for him) and so our nurse had tried and switched and adjusted everything she could think of with no luck. When I got up to provo the was the doctor,reggie with repertory and our nurse I knew right away something was up. (I hadkind of thought ue had a cold since the vomit stuff had started, but the staff was quite sure it was mainly reflux and his bugers causing it). Anyway. He got labs drawn. And they came back positive for something(they don't have details yet.  So my little Breckster is sick for the first time. I hate it. He is getting cuddles and lots of loves from me. And done well since I've been holding him. Maybe I should hold him all night.  ;). On the other have Asher just had his first successful test weight of 9 mls. Ha ha. Yahoo. these bits sure know how to be extrs good while the other is sick. 

Me and Brecken, third blanket due to pee and vomit today. Lol.

I left....

My husband and I were tentatively planning on taking our girls to Disney land this May. But with twin to twin/bedrest and delivery it didn't happen. So I've been thinking we needed to do a make up trip for the girls since they have been pawned off on Grandparent's since.... forever. We could never decide when to go, but now the boys have been stable for so long and they are probably going to start feeding orally(aka nursing kind of need a mom there for this) next week the time was now.  So I racked my brain for a fun, inexpensive, non sweat your brains out, vacation. So we decided Yellowstone.  What person doesn't like the mountains, wild animals, rivers, & geysers. Oh and we had a free place to stay just outside of West Yellowstone. Thanks grandpa Barclay!!!  Well since I've been gone from the boys I've only teared up 5 times.  Not bad if you ask me.  My girls have been so good and so fun. I know I needed to do this vacation for them and it needed to be far enough away I couldn't cut it short to run back to the boys because I missed them.  The twins are also doing awesome as well! They moved them to the B side nursery.  This is a big deal.  It means they are getting very stable. Asher is on a regular cannula at 1.5 liters and got an ng(nasal feeding tube) and weighs 3 pounds 7.5 ounces.  Breken is still trying to ween back down from when he went to nasal cannula and kind of crashed. So he is at 2 liters on hiflo, and weighs 2 pounds 14.5 ounces.  I can't believe they have both just about doubled their birth weight. It's so much fun seeing them woth chubby cheeks and fat creases in their wrists and feet.

Blessed

Since being in the NICU it's opened my eyes wide! I thought that babies rarely died. You just don't hear about it. I've seen their tiny headstones at graveyards, but not ever really known any families very personally. But in the last 7.5 weeks there has been so many sweet spirits pass away. My heart breaks for the families left behind to pick up their lives and carry on. I can't imagine losing a child.
While we were I'm Houston for ablation surgery we had a very long and detailed meeting with the surgical team. In the meeting they discussed ALOT of very grim statistics. They pretty much prepared us for both the boys passing away within 24hrs post surgery. It was the longest 24 hours of my life(I'll post more details of the surgery another day). Anyway. I feel like I can almost relate to losing a child because in all reality i had to prepare myself to do so.... (i am VERY sure i still have no clue). Sorry for the ramblings. But today as I've sat here watching 3 of my neighbor babies get sicker and herd of 3 babies born 25 weeks and younger i just think of how incredibly blessed and lucky we have been. Yes Asher has been VERRY sick at times, but he's always pulled right through. The lord has a hand in all things and i see it every day. Some babies need time here, others just need long enough to get there bodies and go to the next step.... Anyway. Here is a picture of me and a few of my blessings_ i love that they have their name tags stuck on.  It cracks me up.

Ash man...he'll do it himself.

I think Mr. Brecken is just hanging out waiting to go home. His nicu time has been so low key. I keep waiting for him to get sick or have a respiratory set back or something. But he doesn't or at least hasn't....

Well i was mostly right with my Asher. He has some sort of staff infection.... They think he could have gotten it with one off his iv's he got for his blood transfusion the other day (not the actual blood, but maybe the needle or something used to start an iv). They are always super careful to do everything to prevent this from happening, but.... It still does on occasion. So that's the bad scary yucky knews. Good knews is they have started the antibiotic, he hasn't needed to have anymore oxegen help(actually he is almost at 21%fio2 which is amazing). I think i told you he was intebated, and riding the vent. Well at 4am. He decided he had rested enough and yanked the tube out on his own time(kind of a scary deal,he had to oxygen support basically). So the staff quickly put him on a Niv. Which lots better, and he is doing very well. He has had crazy secretions on top of everything, so he's been a bit more irritable and sleepy. But he has loved his mommy time today(i didn't mind it,since i skipped holding yesterday so he could rest). So this is me and Ash Man, having our version of a "duckface selfy". Lol

Just keep swimming...

I was able to hold the boys again at the same time, but Brecken wasn't himself. He was super calm and snuggled right in, while Asher wasn't himself either. He had a hard tube being held. He only cuddled for 20 minutes, so i put him back and loved on Brecken for a little longer. Well little did i know  Brecken needed a blood transfusion(his 4th). So ya, he probably wasn't wiggly because he felt like crap.  Poor bug! And now today Asher was intebated(put back on the vent, a small surprise to me, and also super sudden). He has has TONS of gunk  coming from his sinus, and in his mouth. I'm super concerned he may be getting sick (or is sick) he now is super sluggish. I can't tell if it's because he is tired from working so hard to breathe through the gunk for a day, the extra drugs they gave him to help him deal with being on the vent or something else.... Boo for a set back breathing wise. But they both are doing well and hanging in there for being 31 weekers. I sure love my tiny boys. Ps. I pumped 16+ oz of milk the other morning!!!! I would be a prize Holstein cow. And yet i still worry everyday how long i can keep my milk with out actually nursing or even really having much contact with the boys. If it will be enough for my boys? Ugg. The silly stresses of a NICU mom.

The boys are together.... For a minute

My heart is OVERFLOWING with joy and love right now! I'm holding my two precious boys together for the first time. I wasn't ready for something so great to happen. But wow it's amazing.
When i came in we were doing cares on the boys and i went to get our rt(Raphino, he is so silly and a joker) to see if he could help us get Asher out to hold. He said ya, but lets get them both out together. I laughed at him! He said really lets try it.  This is the first we have had the boys beds very close. The NICU is overflowing so they are trying to squish our boys in one spot rather than each of them having their own. So now all of their cords and lines can reach. I was so excited and scared. We got them out and put then face to face. Asher loved being able to pester his brother. He was poking Brecken in the face, eyes chest. It was like he couldn't keep his hands to himself. I even caught Asher's hands in Brecken's mouth. Lol.  Well i let Ash have his fun, but then we moved Brecken's head the opposite way. The boys are doing great it did take Breck a minute to settle and get comfy. But the both are cuddled up snoozing on my chest right now. They have been out of their beds for  over an hour. It's been wonderful. These boys are such little miracles and blessings. I don't know what I've done to be blessed in so many ways.

Modi twins...what?

So once we started to wrap our heads around the shocker of twins, 2 babies at once, with no medical help, just luck. Our doctors told us we were having modi twins. What, twins are twins we had herd of fraternal or identical but hadn't thought more into it. Well there are lots of twins. Momo, modi, or didi. Didi are fraternal separate amniotic sacs, separate placentas, least amount of complications. Modi twins still have their own amniotic sacks but share a placenta. With the placental share there is a 10-15%chance the babies could develop twin to twin transfusion syndrome(ttts). So we would need ultra sounds every two weeks to watch the babies closely. But our doctors told us not to worry about it. So like all people i started googling like crazy. Guess what ttts is scary!!! And there are lots of stories that end up with both babies dying. Great! Well lucky for us there is one scarier type of twins that's the momo, they share everything, sacs and placenta. The risks are super high with this type of pregnancy. Cord entanglement, twin to twin, and tons of bed rest. So i was glad i was the middle of the risk factor.

1 Month

Well the boys have made it a whole month!(and so has the rest of the family). I  am pleasantly surprised at how fast it has went by. As always thanks to EVERYONE who is helping out with our girls, and other things that you are doing. 

 The boys are 29 weeks or 1month they have a billion different ways to track their "age" right now.

First up is Brecken- He weighs a whole 735 Grams(1 pound 11 ounces), is 32.5 centimeters(13.6 inches) tall, and is up to 15ml and 24 cal feeds(he gets fed every 3 hours). He just barely switched back to a NIV type breathing machine about 5 minutes after I did pictures. He LOVES his pacifier, and his arms stretched out above his head, He is always making us laugh with how he has his arms and hands and the faces he pulls. He is our feisty little guy, and he lets us know if he has a messy diaper (he is a fantastic pooper, and at his age that's a big thing!!! We can hold him once a day  and he will start tub baths tonight( both boys have been getting sponge baths) He finally isn't swinging as much, and having a LOT less apnic episodes so Yahoo for progress!

Asher- Asher is our big boys at 980 grams (about 2.2 pounds), And 37 centimeters tall(14.6 inches). So he is quite a bit taller than his brother. Asher isn't quit up to his full feeds like Brecken, but he is at a 22 cal and 17 ml( the ml's are figured by their weight, so Asher's full feed will be more than Brecken's). Ash man is our calm, and quiet twin. He is so much more laid back than Brecken, but watch out if you  do tick him off(like taking his temperature, oh he hates that!). He has done so very well since his heart surgery it is amazing!!.  They took out his pic line yesterday and so now we can start him on tub baths as long as his dr. ok's it. But we get to hold him twice a day now.  It seems like a blurr from when I could hardly touch him with my finger without him getting super stressed. He loves being held( He actually drools all over the place when i am holding him).

Well one month down  and about 11 weeks left in the nicu. Time is going by super fast. It's amazing to watch your tiny babies grown and get stronger!

My downer facebook night.

 Here is a post from facebook, Breck had been a pill and I just wanted to have a FIX. It is silly how frustrated I was. He was healthy and stable by all means, he just wouldn't let the doctors ween his vent settings. Anyway here is a peek at what I was feeling. 

Here is Brecken in his sweet shirt.

"Well four weeks ago i had just lived the unimaginable of having my boys before the 29week goal. I felt like my body had failed me and my boys. I was worried for their lives & how i could be a nicu mom with two sweet girls at home and really just why me??? This has been such a hard mini month for me and i couldn't have done it without my amazing husband, my mom and mother in law. They have taken such good care of me, and my girls so i could be here with my boys. I know we have a long time left but i know i can hang in there. Thanks to all of your prayers, love phone calls messages and texts. — with John Barclay and 2 others."

Little bit of this and that.

Today was such a great great day! Asher switched over to the "dreger" style vent yesterday, and today he was super stable so I was able to hold him. It was so amazing. I never realized how great it was to get to hold your newborn for the first time til I had to wait more than three weeks to do it! My love love for these two tiny babies grows so much every day. My heart breaks for the parents we have met that have fallen in love with  their tiny miracles and then the poor sweet babies time is up after such a short time. Anyway, that's way too deep for me. So more good stuff. After they pried my hands off Asher and got him back in his graffe( the bed/incubator)  he was still doing good, so they switched him to a High Flow nasal cannula set up. So it's pretty much just oxygen like you see people toting around, but a little stronger( this is a huge step respiratory wise). He has done very well with all his changes happening today, hopefully  he can stay off the vent for a while if not forever.... Brecken I still having huge oxygen swings, it seems he does them when it's time to feed, and after he is finished ....They think he's Apnic( which i don't even know what that will mean) and has reflux. I hate knowing there is something wrong or off and not having any idea how to fix, or help my little man. He also has 2 freaking hernias!poor little guy. They say it isn't painful or uncomfortable for him, and they will have to surgically fix it once he is bigger(like at least 4 pounds).  It's kind of like our twin to twin stuff, they don't want to do anything to early because it may happen again  and then the baby will have had 2 surgeries rather than one for the same problem.
Thanks for caring about the boys. I'll get pictures up soon.

Breck on the 27th of May

Now the non phone camera got here I got some better shots of the boys. These are all Brecken.  He is our smaller guy but is definitely the feistier of the 2. Look at those crazy long fingers. The nurses keep saying these tiny guys are going to be big boys according to their fetuses.

 dirty diapers.

 He loves his little "lovey" grandma made him. He has been reaching for it since we put it near his head.

 First tummy prime( that is NICU words for feeding him about 2 mils of my milk). This preps his tummy for  the lager amounts of food we hopefully can give him soon. Ands also lets us see if he is ready for that step rather than just IV fluids.

Asher May 27th

With all the hustle and bustle of going into preterm labor I never got a decent camera and I didn't want to be bugged by phone calls once the twins were born. BUT my mother in law brought up her nice camera for us to use until I got our better one to Provo. So these are all Asher on the 27th of May.

 John was AT LEAST 6 inches taller than most the care professionals. It was all ways funny to watch him hunch over to work with our boys.

 He had the most IV pumps going in the nicu( for 5 days, not really the records I wanted him to be setting...) He had 9!

 With his heart, lungs and the infection he was fighting he got VERY swollen. I joked(because I am never serious)  that well at least he looks chubby... Brecken was a little baby sparrow.

 Even with the c-section they couldn't keep me down. ya it hurt but I wanted to be as near to my babies and involved as I could be. So I helped swab their mouths,  take temperatures, change bums. This was the most terrifying thing I did. I was so worried I would hurt them, John was amazing at this. I teared up a lot watching how good he was with our tiny babies in his HUGE hands.  Especially because little Asher's survival rates were very grim(5%)

Belly shots

Here are some pictures of my twin belly.  I kind of hate that i didn't get to go any longer. A- because of the babies, but b- i wanted that huge beautiful belly. I think going into labor and having the babies so early stinks, but not knowing what i could have done differently or if there was anything i could have changed makes me crazy sometimes. I felt like i had failed, my babies, my body, the doctors and my husband and girls. I just wanted to make it to 32weeks. It seems silly now (it was even a goal written in my hospital room the week i was there). Anyway i think another  part is everyone would always say oh you are so small you can't carry twins, or how will you be able to carry twins? I get a little poor me here in a second....Well everyone my body gave up after being jabbed, pried on and cut open in 3 different places trying to keep my babies alive at 19 weeks. You were all right, i can't carry twins. Not that any of that  mattered yes i went into labor early, but i had a strain of ecoli that Asher was getting sick from that he and my body knew it was time to get him out before he got worse off..... Thanks for listening to my rant. So things you might want to rethink saying when you see a pregnant lady, how will you ever carry twins(we'll do it one day at a time till or bodies give out) and then the other thing to not ask someone who has preemie babies, why did you have them so early (well it wasn't our choice,  very rarely do doctors know why babies come when they come, and it's probably a touchy subject  to the mom, so if she's not talking about she doesn't want to..  Ok, please don't feel bad if you are one of these people, because frankly I've asked the same questions, but now I'll really think about how i say things.